the question on help
Those Episodes

On the Question of Help

(This is originally a social media account status message I wrote which I thought I should repost here.)

This is a mystery to me, actually. If one helps himself or herself all throughout, then there’s no need for help to come from the outside because yes, you can do it anyway.

I have been enduring this for a long time. Mostly I don’t care anymore but there are evenings and mornings where the emptiness does not subside, with some more extraneous dilemmas that are tangible and which I have to think of even more. It is like a prison cell—you are trapped with nowhere to go and no amount of effort is there left that I rouse myself out from it. My whole strength would wane; there are times I could not continue. And this is not a question of just seeking help but also of something chronic that has a cycle of its own. Bipolar disorder is no joke, something to be remarked upon as “well just help yourself out of it.” That’s why help is there. Supposedly. However, given the recent mild breakdown I almost had last night, I have wondered whether help is just an abstract thing altogether. That all these that I would work for in my life is not as real as they ought, help included. I have to work for my own help. I have to think that I could still make it, to weather out the storms. But no, I cannot make it on my own and there are moments that the aloneness strikes me to my core and nudges me further down, little by little, until I am tied to oblivion.

So should I need help? I do not know; but one thing is for sure: there’s no use pining for it, given the mentality of the world. If I sink, I would not not know for sure if I should even stay on top of the water or drown. I can always choose to drown or die, or float and be alive. However, is still there even a choice between the two? I would not go for choices any longer. It’s a matter of what I live for in my everyday, sinking or floating or whatever comes my way.

This is the paradox of assistance and help that I yet have to unlock. Until I understand, I shall never believe.

Choleric-melancholic, blogger, teacher, mental health advocate, book lover.

4 Comments

  • Lily Grace Chao

    My question to you, dear: did you listen to our offered help, didn’t you? Didn’t we help you out, did we? If someone tries to help you and you didn’t listen to our help, what’s the purpose of helping? Waste of time? People gets tired of helping other people kung walang kusa gagalaw sa opposite party. If you don’t want help, then do a self-help. It’s not easy to have a self-help. IT’S A BIG WORK. Do you think you are ready for self-help?

    • Shirley

      I’ve been trying to help myself; and whether it’s successful or not, I am not convinced of it. I have tread some slopes and dreadful chasms and I have to admit that there are certain things I cannot do alone, no matter how I try. I’ve been trying to keep myself passive and accepting of everything that comes my way and I would just live it out regardless of anything (this is also built upon the idea that I desire not to burden anybody). That’s the reason why I am unsure whether I should ask for help or not: it’s mainly because I’ve been surviving my mental illness practically on my own, although I daresay some people adjudge that I need help no matter what. I would not say either that my battling mental illness alone is self-help. There are times when I am not so exact about my mental state that I cannot grasp what help I should give myself. Sounds complicated, yes. Or that I may just be complicating myself—I don’t know. All I comprehend regarding all these is that I am mostly in this thing alone and I have to put up with it.

      • Lily

        There you are, you can’t do self help because you still don’t know how to deal with your mental state. A person can do self help is the person who can deal the roller coaster. You still don’t have the cognitive how to cope up with things. That is why a commander can’t go alone in the battlefield without his squad. All of us needs help. Are you stubborn? Di naman siguro. Then listen to the people who are trying to help you. We care about you. Like you as a teacher, you are trying to help your student to gain knowledge. Your students don’t listen to your help, you get tired to help them.

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