For starters, I am not one who could be found scribbling away New Year’s Resolutions on a notepad or encoding them onto a word editor or blogging about them—really, mostly because I resort to not following up on whatever I have promised myself dated January 1st every single year. I can be lost in promises, so I end up not promising myself anything at all, any longer. What I do instead is merely do what needs to be done and try very hard to get over things. In that way (I would always think in this manner) I would not feel pressured to not having accomplished anything for a time period, especially something considerably as “gargantuan” as New Year’s resolutions. Supposedly, such pledges almost always account to obligations, for if one fulfills all the others except one or two it seems that not all goals have been met. It is this tediousness—as far as I am concerned in this case—that refrains me from actually constructing anything at all. I don’t want to appear as though losing something important in the middle of all the rest of those personal vows to do this or that.
Nonetheless, this year I figured things should pose differently. I have taken points of consideration about actually creating resolutions for myself in as much as I consider myself a total procrastinator when I do not set objectives for myself. I have observed that in tasks that I intend on fulfilling, my attention span is just as wayward as a car changing lanes on highway: getting things done can be very, very laborious. So I just thought that setting goals (or resolutions) might just as help in the same way that it could for keeping my attention span reined in. It is indeed hard to be in mental state when one could get entirely flimsy about what to actually do in a particular situation, especially those that merit much-needed diligence. So, in this case, setting up objectives about everything that needs scrutiny is definitely an imperative, so much so tasks that involve work or maybe even how to deal with one’s pasttime. Above all would be on how to arrange one’s dealings with the self, how to make the self more presentable (mentally, that is), which is an essential part of how one’s work and pasttime should lead themselves. It should be noted that without a healthy mind, everything topples down; so it is best to keep the mind in the best condition as it ought to be.
Given the abovementioned, I would now like to outline the “resolutions” that I think would make 2019 healthier and more productive for me. I have no choice but to do this since I fall behind the establishing-personal-goals game which contributes fairly enough to how I would lag behind every now and then. Since there is not anything permanent in this world except change, then it is high time for me to modify or metamorphose myself into something I could be proud of eventually. I admit I still have a long way to go, personally and socially; and since I find the necessity for change most imminent, then what better way to start the New Year than by resolving to act upon my flaws and get myself together?
Resolution 1: Build upon my faith
I admit that my faith journey has had its ups and downs this 2018. There were times wherein I singularly doubted why I even had to exist in the first place, thereby denying at times the First Cause of existence as per what I have learned in my reading some snippets of theology. Also, I have been remiss reading the Holy Writ, treating it instead as literature instead of something with divine origins. I have almost become an agnostic yet again, sometimes confused as I am about religion and belief systems. There are also times when I had to dismiss the importance of religious belief unlike when I was younger and more devout. All these have left a sort of hole in me, something that could not be pacified by human platitudes. For some reason there still exists a special place within me about the sense of the sacred, and what it means to be Christian that I desire to revisit once more. All these even if I religiously attend church services and thanksgivings every week!
Yes, I know I still have reservations about faith but I desire to give it a try once more. So I will make it a point to: a) journal more about what goes on regarding my faith; b) read the Bible more often; c) be steadfast in the truths that I have always held dear, despite the difficulties about what faith actually should mean to me; d) be more temperate when it comes to dealing with belief; e) pray more. In this way, perhaps, I might be more lucid in what I actually cling to and in some way be comforted in the idea that I could believe in something after all.
Resolution 2: Build upon my goals
Along with my dilemma-riddled faith, I also could not come to terms with how I could actually be the better version of myself. Now, as I probed even further, I began to think that it might have something to do with how I set goals about myself, what I intend to do for the remaining years of my life. I have discovered that I do not even have something to build up on: I am at a loss on how to deal with myself or relate with myself and give a shot at the future as I am mostly afraid of what it might have in store. Usually, whenever I think of how I might turn out (old, alone, sickly, and decrepit with no one to love or be happy with), the first thing that comes to mind is suicide: that I am better off dead before the times of tribulations come. This, I acknowledge, must have a 360-degree turn—I must redefine what happiness means for me, what actually would make me fulfilled. So along with journaling about my faith, I have to address my insecurities and add up more goals, write about them AND execute them. I need something to look forward to every single day in the morning after a moment of quiet time with the Lord.
Resolution 3: Exercise and diet
This is the hardest part. I am not a big fan of exercising, not because I do not want to exercise but because I mostly do not have time for it. But studies have shown that exercise can also relieve the ramifications of depression, anxiety, and trauma so I might as well be consistent with this. It’s not easy, yes, but I need to pull myself out of this non-exercising slump and get myself going. I need the energy, I need the motivation. And exercise might just be the answer to why I feel dank and down and desolate.
As regarding dieting, this is also difficult for as many of those who know me could attest, I am great fan of food. I love to eat. As a consequence, I would grow heavier than usual and I am currently at 76 kilos. That’s right, I am obese. So I do need to crack down on extra pounds which, even if I would admit that medications play a major role in my weight gain, I am guilty as much with eating a lot. I need to let go and let temperance take its foothold on me.
Resolution 4: Move up on my Master’s Degree
Yes, I am taking my Masters and have been doing so since 2005 (it’s a hell of a long story). However, through the history of my graduate school education, there are moments when mental illness would trample me up and about so attending classes would always be a difficult thing for me to hurdle until I decided to transfer schools instead. Now I am in my second university and I do not need to fail in my goal anymore. I need to strive and not take things lightly. My mental illness might be there looming in the background but I need to have that enough courage to not let it define me and my person. Most of the time I fall under its curse and let myself be encompassed by it with all its might. It should not be the case. Then again, it has got to do with defining my goals and what I really want to achieve, may it be short or long term.
Resolution 5: Work with Cheer
Admittedly so, I go to work every morning like a curmudgeon: everything seems to be crashing down on me that I find myself usually that depressed every single day. Hence, working becomes more like a chore than something that I should enjoy and be filled with inside and out. This 2019, I have to make sure that I condition myself to look into the brighter side of things rather than failures in my job so I could be more productive and unassailable.
Resolution 6: Be More Confident
Most often, I rely on others for their opinions or make myself be engulfed by others’ perceptions about me. I should temper this down and build up instead on my self-awareness such that I may be able to be more independent and, at the same time, more appreciative of my personal dignity.
So there you have it, my resolutions for 2019, for the sake of my mental well-being. They might be a mouthful but everything boils down into one: a more lively and less depressed me for the upcoming year that no setback shall ever hamper my dreams of living my life to the fullest. I may add more to the resolutions especially in the remaining days before 2018 draws to a close but so far, the aforementioned are the more striking of those that I need to change about myself.
Thus being said, happy holidays! May the forthcoming year be fruitful and blessed and enriched with love as well as joy.